Yikes! My sex video has been uploaded to YouPorn, apparently

I’ve received an email. It’s from YouPorn, and they say it’s urgent.

This should be interesting. Let’s see what it has to say.

Well, the YouPorn logo and nicely-formatted message certainly makes it look like it has come from the porn video site.

And, uh-oh, it seems YouPorn’s AI algorithm has detected me in a sex video that has been uploaded!

Now, I can be forgetful… but I’m reasonably sure that I have never knowingly appeared in a sexually explicit movie, let alone uploaded it to YouPorn.

But how clever of YouPorn’s AI system to detect that it was me in the video, and then get in touch to warn me.

It makes me wonder what kind of AI technology they’re using here. I mean, normally you wouldn’t expect even the smartest AI system to be able to tell who a person was by the kind of body parts that are likely to be taking prime position in a video like this.

Oh well, if it’s “advanced technology” that explains it. Sounds like they’re pretty powerful…

Ouch! So, if I don’t want the video published on YouPorn I have to let them know within seven days.

So, I guess all I have to do is click on the link to check out the video. Seems reasonable.

But, damn it, there’s a problem.

You see, the link in the email YouPorn has sent me doesn’t go anywhere. There’s no website address to go with the https:// !

I’m going to have to find some other way to stop the video being published.

Sounds like they’ve got some pretty cool technology at YouPorn for dealing with this kind of situation.

Aha! This is more like it. But I’m not sure if a “basic express” service that prevents re-uploading of my saucy sex video to 20 websites (I heard there are more porn websites than that) is good enough, even if it only costs $199.

Protection against the video being re-uploaded to over 300 of YouPorn’s network of partner websites for just $699 sounds like a better deal. But hang on, this is just for one year! I don’t want to have to clean up this mess again in 12 months time… I need the best protection available to maintain my squeaky clean online reputation.

Now this sounds more like it. All of the previously-mentioned protection “plus digital protection by MediaWise® and Safeguard” (anything that has a registered trademark symbol has got to be impressive, right?) “…based on facial recognition data for three years.”

Three years isn’t as good as perpetual, but it’s better than one year. And they seem to be guaranteeing that “any content with my biometrics will be blocked”.

All for a mere $1399.

Where do I pay?

Hmmph. I have to pay through cryptocurrency? That seems a little unorthodox. But hey, maybe YouPorn is just trying to protect my privacy. After all I wouldn’t necessarily want my partner to spot a payment to YouPorn on my credit card bill.

Let’s check out that link.

Darnit. That link doesn’t work either! I’m just going to have to assume that YouPorn has got a sex video of me, as I can’t double-check for myself.

No, thank YOU.

For further discussion of this topic, check out episode 340 of the “Smashing Security” podcast:

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